This time of year has always been reflective time for me. Even before John died, October/November has always been the time when I slow down and take stock of my life, figure out where I am and where I’m going. After the kids go back to school, before the ramp-up to the holidays. Now my life is less defined by those rhythms, and more defined by others.
The first half of November is the hardest, and I usually go on a road trip to clear my head and claim some solitude. This year I was supposed to be toodling around the wine country and castles and beaches of northern Spain. Then when that trip was cancelled I made alternate plans for some solo camping in New Mexico, and when New Mexico went on lockdown, I didn’t have the heart to re-work that trip for somewhere in-state, so I embraced the staycation.
Which is appropriate, I suppose, for the season of my life that I’m coming into. I have spent so many years hustling, busting ass to improve myself, improve my life, get a little bit ahead – and I could keep doing that, but I no longer have to, and frankly, I’m at an age where I don’t really want to. I want to enjoy the things I’ve worked for. I want to buy a house and put some time and work into making it mine. I want a garden. I have a really clear idea of where I want to go with my art, and I want to do art. I want to write. I want to go down whatever random rabbithole of curiosity pleases me. I want to spend some time being really present in my job, which is a dream job with an amazing team of people, doing good work in the world without worrying about looking for the next raise, the next advancement, because I am actually making a living wage now and can just stop and be where I am for a minute.
So this week I’m thinking about how I want that to work in the life I’ve got, and what changes I need to make to make space for it. But I’m also taking the week to, you know, actually do it. To model, and take note of, what that life might look like day-to-day – how I would spend my time if I embraced the radical notion that my time is mine to spend how I see fit. And part of that is kicking off this blog, which has been sitting on a back burner for a month or so, waiting until I’m ready. “Ready,” I realize, is… not really the point.
