What I’m reading: deep winter

Six weeks later…

I’m learning what works for me and doesn’t, at least right now. (Everything’s going to change, right? When I buy a house, when the library goes back to a normal post-COVID schedule, when my kiddo moves out, when the seasons shift. I’m trying to be comfortable with the prospect of big changes while also being present in the moment.) I’d planned to make a #TBRpile post every Friday, but I seem to be managing it every other Friday, so I’m just going to say that that’s what I’m doing.

My reading choices have been absolutely all over the map, partly because I’ve been trying to clear out the oldest things on my “want to read” lists (that I still want to read) – right now I’m working through things that have been hanging out on my Goodreads list since fall of 2016 – but I’m also trying to keep up with new releases and new discoveries. Delving deep and reading three or four books in a row on a topic, or in a genre, is just not happening.

And that makes it sound like reading is a chore, which it absolutely is not – I’m deeply, deeply enjoying the idea of “wintering” and leaning in to the desire to just sink into coziness and quiet and read the winter away.

The two novels in those #TBRpile pictures – Lagoon by Nnedi Okorafor and Anxious People by Frederick Backman – were both delightful, in different ways. Lagoon is dark and weird and truly speculative in the best sense, and Anxious People is sweet and gentle and uplifting but just as thought-provoking. The biography of the friendship between Auguste Rodin and Rainer Maria Rilke, You Must Change Your Life, was fascinating and heartbreaking. The Emotional Craft of Fiction was superb, and I’m planning to buy a copy. The Making of Manners and Morals is part of a rabbithole of research I’m going down about early Medieval English food and food culture, so expect more on that topic in the next few months.

That big thick brown book with the title too small to see is Mechanick Exercises On The Whole Art Of Printing by Joseph Moxon, published in 1683 and 1684, the earliest and one of the most comprehensive studies of the trade. I’ve only gotten as far as the introduction, so I’m looking forward to digging into it during this long weekend.

But what’s really enthralled me in the last few weeks were those two gardening books.

The subtitle of Uprooted (A Gardener Reflects on Starting Over) spoke to me, and that’s exactly what it’s about. After 34 years of crafting three acres of intensively managed gardens and eight deeply place-centric books about garden design, Page Dickey came to terms with the fact that her beloved property at Duck Hill in upstate New York was no longer sustainable for her, so she and her husband looked for, and found, a new place – larger but lower-maintenance, with seventeen acres of woods and meadows around a little house in much less expensive rural Connecticut, and set out to create something new. Five years on, this is her look back.

Five years on… if I’d known then what I know now, I’d have done so much differently at the Walsenburg house! I knew a tiny bit about xeriscaping and a tiny bit about very standard, mainstream vegetable gardening (which, in southeastern Colorado, are two non-overlapping categories) and nothing whatsoever about garden design. I struggled and fought and mostly failed, and I was just almost starting to know which direction I was moving with the property when I left. And in five years of apartment living and exploring Denver’s many parks and gardens and constantly taking in, and thinking, and having questions and finding answers, and developing my aesthetic, and listening to more experienced gardeners, I am ready (so fucking ready) to try again, to get it right.

I’ve been looking at Planting in a Post-Wild World out of the corner of my eye from time to time for as long as I’ve been at Belmar (it was published about six months before I started working there) and a few weeks or so ago, fresh off of a visit to the Denver Botanic Gardens absorbing the stark midwinter beauty, I was making the books pretty in the 700s and I put it on display and then took it right back down again and took it home.

I definitely wouldn’t have been ready for this book in 2016, but – funny how it works out – I felt ready this winter. What the authors are doing is not exactly permaculture (although there are similarities – thinking in terms of the whole site, including the humans and animals that move through it, as a holistic, self-reinforcing system) or native-plant gardening or xeriscaping (although they draw heavily on principles from both) but a sort of pragmatic synthesis of all three, adapted to urban environments and the remediation of disturbed land. The book is really geared more toward professionals than home gardeners, although there’s a lot that an owner-manager of a property can get out of it, especially if starting from scratch on a damaged piece of land, which I expect to be. It’s about the idea that working with the land rather than against it, starting with and learning from the plants that naturally thrive in the soil and climate that’s there, and balancing usefulness with a sense of wild beauty is absolutely possible and desirable even in the conditions farthest from pristine virgin wilderness. It gave me a lot to think about; I’ve been feeling frustrated and thwarted because there’s only so much visioning I can do before I know the particulars of the site I’m going to have to work with, but these two books have definitely helped to clarify where I can productively reflect and plan and where I would just be spinning my wheels.

A friend of mine used to call Candlemas “the festival of the seed catalog.” This has been a year in which it’s been hard to look forward to much of anything, but the sense that spring is coming, that change is coming, that there is something to look forward to, is getting stronger every day.

What I read this week: December 25

Clockwise from right:

Archive of the Forgotten by A. J. Hackwith

Oh, this series is fun. I read #1 (The Library of the Unwritten) last month and immediately put this one on hold. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole Christian afterlife framework, but it’s underpinned by the idea that people go not to the afterlife that they believe in but the afterlife that they think they need – which makes Hell quite an interesting concept indeed. I adore the main cast, individually and as a little weirdo family. I’m fascinated by the cosmological metaframework Hackwith has set up here and how the big central question (why is the library in hell, anyway?*) fits into it and I’m impatiently waiting for the final book in the trilogy.

*especially as the libraries of other major faiths are in their respective paradises and places of rest as appropriate. What does the Christian cosmology have against books? – ohhhh, right.

Draft No. 4: On the Writing Process by John McPhee

God, I just love John McPhee, you know? There are some authors that are a sensuous experience to read – there’s an pleasure to the prose that is like the pleasure of good food or lying in the grass in a sunbeam on a warm spring day or listening to really good music, just an all-over feel-good sensation.

This book is about writing, which makes it even better; and even better than that, the stories he tells in the essays illuminate some of why he’s such a pleasure for me to read – how he approaches narrative structure, how his technical virtuosity is the product of many years of intimate collaboration with editors and researchers in a way that is particular to the news magazine long-form journalism form and The New Yorker specifically. What stories prick his curiosity, and how, and why, to drive his passionate, meticulous, near-obsessive research. It’s a great look inside a master writer’s process.

I finished the book and immediately put the audiobook version of Annals of the Former World on hold at the library. I own a copy of Annals and I read it fifteen years ago, but I just want to get lost in his storytelling.

First We Make the Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety by Sara Wilson

Based on the reviews scattered around Amazon and Goodreads and elsewhere, a lot of people did not quite get this book. So to be clear: it’s not self-help, it’s not a clinician’s study. It’s a memoir. It’s a memoir that has a lot of opinionating and “this is what worked for me, and why I think it might work for others, feel free to give it a shot” and summarizing snippets of conversations with other people’s experiences anxiety, so one can be forgiven for thinking it’s a self-help book, but it’s not.

Sara Wilson’s premise, basically, is the idea of sitting with the idea that anxiety is real, it’s terribly challenging, and it fucks up people’s lives and relationships – without pathologizing it. She’s approaching anxiety conditions from a neurodiversity angle rather than a clinical-care angle. Okay, this is part of who I am, now how do I navigate the world? And that’s an approach that appeals to me, because after a certain point – after 30+ years of wildly varying levels of functioning, therapy, spans of years with no therapy, support groups, medication, no medication, self-medication, self-help books, neuroscience books, god, hundreds of books – that’s really the only angle that seems practical, because I no longer hold out hope for a fix. For me, and it seems for Wilson, letting go of that hope is part of finding a way to a fulfilling and meaningful life that holds space for the reality that pain and fear are part of life.

I didn’t get so much in the way of actionable ideas out of the book – I didn’t really expect to – but a whole lot of validation. Three books I’ve read recently – this one and Pablo d’Ors’ Biography of Silence dealing with anxiety, and (of all utterly random and unexpected things!) Kim Stanley Robinson’s Ministry for the Future, dealing with trauma – have said things that cut to the heart of what mental illness feels like that no clinician or theorist has ever said, and that really helped to clarify things I’ve been struggling with,

The Man Who Spoke Snakish by Andrus Kivirähk

I’m about a third of the way through, and damn, this book is weird. I mean that in a delightedly, breathlessly, admiring way. Have you ever been reading a really dense account of a folklore tradition that has not been cleaned up and sanitized for Western reading audiences and stopped to think, wow, humans are weird? It’s pretty much a rollicking rollercoaster of that, with a narrative structure. I have no idea which pieces are actually lifted straight out of Estonian mythology and which were cooked in Kivirähk’s mad mind but it feels purely mythic and I absolutely love it.

Of course, I also have a long, bitter history with “twilight of pagan Europe” fantasy novels. I want to love them, and they kick me in the teeth and leave me clutching my broken heart. So I’m gunshy and wary, but hopeful; this book is so far out in a realm of its own that it may give two middle fingers to the trope.

Class and Librarianship is up next. I’m keeping my pile to about five books (more that just stresses me out and makes me panic-spiral about reading rather than actually, you know, just enjoying reading) and I seem to be getting through three or four books a week right now, so there’s definitely a little overlap from week to week. I think that’ll slow down to two or three in January as I’ve got some small but thinky books and big bricks coming up on my holds list.

2021 reading goals

I was talking with my colleague and good friend E. about New Years reading goals/resolutions, and thinking about how they intertwine with the question of what I want to do with this blog. I definitely want to talk about what I read but I’m not interested in doing reviews-as-such anymore*. I want to engage thoughtfully with my reading, I want to weave it into my writing, and I want to do more life writing. How do I tie that all together?

For a few weeks now I’ve been posting on the #TBRPile tag on Instagram on Fridays, and I think I’m going to start putting the previous week’s post up here and talking about what I got through and how I reacted to it. I’m curious to see how that affects my reading experience.

In 2020 I signed up for Beat the Backlist and although the blog tanked and I didn’t keep up with sharing, I did maintain a #btb2020 tag on Goodreads and as of December 16 I’m at 35 books, with five more either checked out or on hold and slated for up-next reading. The oldest book remaining on my to-read list is Genesis by Eduardo Galeano, which I added on September 8, 2016. I had set my original goal at 20 and clearing the 2015 items, so I’m pretty pleased with that.

I certainly expect 2021 to look a little different, but I have no idea how it will look different – in terms of house, work, time doing art and SCA, mental health stuff (always, and especially this year, a rollercoaster) and the possibility post-COVID travel. But I do definitely want to continue chipping away at the stuff that languished during the years I was in grad school and not reading . I think right now it’s best to just keep it open and fluid, and get a feel for what targets make sense as I get into the new year.

So, watch this space! Something will be happening! What? Who knows?

*I’ve been chewing on a separate post about the story behind that for a while now. I’d like to get my thoughts on the subject written out, and I think I’ll probably get a post up sometime early in the new year.